Tasting the Air... Revisited

I caught myself daydreaming today.  I suppose this is the effect that comes when you get frustrated with your work and you start thinking about where your true dreams are hiding.  My dream has always been to open a children's book shoppe & tea room. I have had it planned out to every minute detail (the only change has been from my younger years wanting it in New York City to now as an adult envisioning it in a coastal Maine village)... and yet it remains just a dream.  I simply wonder if this will actually come to fruition one day... it is surely within my power to change the course of my life- can I do it?

All of this daydreaming took me back to a post I once wrote under the guise of "Phantasmagorical Literarium" (one of my MANY blog attempts- I still love the name!)  I wrote this as a guest blogger for Destination: Unknown.  It sort of inspired me to embrace the future like a child again.  I want to remember that feeling once more and put into action a plan to honestly follow what I know in my heart is my true destiny...
 

Originally posted September 2010 and titled "Tasting the Air"

"Adults are just obsolete children and the hell with them." ~Dr. Seuss

Yes, the great Theodore Geisel said the hell with adults and I completely agree. We complain, we worry, we dissect every look or word from another person and try to manipulate it into some meaning that will either help us or hurt us as we climb the proverbial "ladder of success" that won't necessarily reach a hill of beans in our lifetime. If there is at least one thing I have learned from my few great successes and even greater screw-ups as an adult, it is the fact that once we reach a certain age we completely forget about the very joy there is in living - in playing - in tasting the air around us to find the silly flavor of the day!

Okay, you are probably thinking I'm a complete nut- which, for the most part I will agree with that assessment. I am also a woman who has been to hell and back (the darkest of depressions, divorce, unemployment, bankruptcy, the list is too long to keep going...) and I have learned on this journey that life is so worth the living if you simply stop and take a moment to look around. In a time when we have it made so easy that, technologically speaking, we don't even have to take one foot outside and interact with the rest of the world because it can all be brought to our doorstep with the push of a button, we should look for the simpler things in this life that will connect us with all that has been before and all that is still yet to be.

Yes, I seem to be waxing philosophical today. To be honest I think it has to do with the time I was given on Friday to volunteer in my Wild Child's class. What an eye opener! As a former teacher I knew a little of the madness I was to expect when walking into a classroom of 20 four-year-olds. What I didn't expect was how, at such a young age, this group of children were wiser in their playtime than the time I have spent lately with other adults. Truly. The innocence of sharing, of being relatively color-blind and accepting of all who come into their little world, of smiling with not only their little mouths (something we all do when we must but have learned to fake) but also the purest intention of smiling with their eyes... now that is a sight to behold. I get a taste of it from my munchkin, but when you multiply that by twenty- well, let's just say that for that brief moment I could see the future and know that this world might have a fighting chance of being a good place again.

Ah, but the cynic in me comes out... the adult in me starts to tear at that pretty picture... yes, they are innocent and lovely now- but give them a few years and the darker side of the world will creep in and turn them too. As old FDR once said, "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself..." and it is indeed fear of the unknown that makes children grow up to be the adults that Dr. Seuss said to hell with. So, is this an endless cycle that cannot be stopped? Do we have to allow the anger of the world around us seep into our own skin to make us turn into angry adults who end up raising angry and fearful children? I certainly hope not.

As I said before, I am taking the time now- before it is too late- to taste the air and find the joy. I want to raise my own daughter to believe that anything is possible in this life... I am slowly but surely working on making my life better so that as she grows we can grow together enjoying everything that the world has to offer; I want to learn from her how to see and accept again. Some may call this action a little crazy- a little naive; regardless, I would rather look outside my door with love for what I see than a sort of prejudice for my surroundings- the people and the places. The choice is completely mine- the choice is completely yours- for how you want to live your life... to be the obsolete child or to be a person who still believes that no day should go by without learning something new- without finding the excitement of being alive!

I believe my sister, Nicole, has mentioned this quote by Mavis Leyrer before, and I will continue to work at living by it as well-

"Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely, in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting “Holy shit, what a ride!”

I do believe Dr. Seuss would approve of that statement as well!

 

 

*Image found at http://www.desktopedia.com/wallpaper/Beautiful-Sky/

 

 

A New Year

I sit here on Samhain - the Celtic New Year- wishing for one simple thing... Peace.  Peace for myself.  Peace for my daughter.  Peace for my family.  It is such a simple word and yet when it comes to blood and the ties that bind- peace seems to be forever eluding each of us.

The cycle of life seems to be on a loop tormenting those I love.  There is so much regret and so much blame without very little redemption.  My silence does not condone what is going on or what has happened in the past- my silence is simply one of someone so tired of the fight that all I can do is continue working on finding a way out to create a life that is extraordinary for myself and my daughter.  We deserve that- and each member of my family deserves a life filled with the extraordinary. I will not play sides.  I just wish for peace for everyone. 

Call me naive- call me whatever name pops into your mind... I know that my new year is beginning and I have much to look forward to in the future.  Whether or not I look back on this time with a blurred vision trying to block out all of the things that went wrong- who knows.  I am the Queen of Starting Over.  What better day to start over than Samhain, true?

It is the time of burning leaves,
The crispness of the air has awakened
Memories both dark and hidden,
Memories of past feasts partaken.

I sit comfortly in this silent room
Computer keyboard beneath my fingers
Yet...my mind is never frozen here
In times past it wants to linger.

I 'see' a bonfire raging on a hilltop
With my people all gathered around
Our prayers to the Gods I shout,
Yet, in my dreams I hear not a sound.

The drums beat, the people dance
Wildness fills the autumn night.

The Other Side is so very close--
The Veil just beyond the fire light.

I reach, I feel, I almost touch...
Spirit fingers entwine with mortal
Then dawn's first light appears
And seals again the fragile portal.

I turn away from the cold ashes
Let the wildness leave my aching soul.

Another year til another Samhain...
On that night again I'll be whole.

-poem by: Elspeth Sapphire

http://www.angelfire.com/moon/shadowfest/

Gleeks Anonymous

Soooo.... I am getting a little goofy knowing that the new season of mind-numbing television is starting tomorrow.  I know I should be more creative with what little spare time I am allowed; however, Tuesday night I am going to be sitting like the biggest couch potato you have ever met waiting for Season Three of "Glee" to kick off.  Yes, last year I somehow got sucked in after catching a few episodes on some Oxygen marathon- I then became obsessed and watched the remainder of the second season after the Super Bowl- and the cherry on top of this whirl-wind slightly new-found appreciation came this summer with following "The Glee Project" where they competed to be cast in the show.  Oh... how I love that show (and I know I'm not the only one!)
In consideration of a whole new season starting, and in appreciation of the absolute musical talent that show has- I am creating a list of (some) of my favorite musical numbers thus far... I realized when I started looking at videos on youtube it was harder to choose from- they are all so good!

The songs I picked were either great covers, really touching, or the scene was incredibly funny or terribly sentimental.  The last song, although not sung, is just an incredible bit of choreography to "Bubbly Toes." Enjoy!

This final number I'm throwing in for my Wild Child- she is completely in love with Jesse, lol!

Rants & Raves

The past couple of weeks have kicked my behind from one end of the road and back again.  As with any other human being, I have had my ups and downs... and now I return to the blogosphere to simply throw out a few viewpoints that will enlighten, inspire, and simply relieve the stress that is building up like a volcano ready to explode out of my body.  Oh yeah, this should be a good one.

The Rants:

- I could write an entire blog on this subject: "Please Reply."  Seriously, when you write this in an email to certain individuals are you simply doing it because you have no better use for your time than to put those two words in the composition?!?  Or, more logically, are you typing it out because you honestly need that person or persons to respond to what you have asked and/or had to say in a timely manner.  If you have the time to read an email (and yes- I know when you do since I put a read receipt on every email I send out) then you have the time to click the reply button and type out words as simple as "yes" or "no"-  I don't want your full biography- simply a response.  Is that truly that difficult to comprehend?!?

- People who beg/plead to participate in something (a chance to earn money with no expense to participate) and then don't show without a single call or email... well, you are useless to me.  I promise you will not get the opportunity again as long as their is a breath left in my body to say "NO!"  Period.

... and Finally (I'm trying to keep it short since this is "Positive Thinking" day or some nonsense like that...)

- The fact that my daughter would wake up at the butt-crack of dawn every single morning during her summer vacation (even after staying up later than she should most of the nights during said vacation), and yet now that school has started I have to practically drag her out of bed by her ankles to get her up in the morning to get ready for school.  I. Just. Don't. Get. It.

Okay, so enough of the ranting.  I simply had to purge those few thoughts out of my system before completely blowing.  As I said this is some sort of day to be positive, sooo... I am mustering up the non-bitter thoughts in my head to think of the things that have happened over the past few days that I can absolutely rave about- those tiny nuggets that make me feel truly blessed while I sit seething over the fact that people aren't responding to my emails...

The Raves...

- My Wild Child lost her first tooth on Sunday!  This is such a huge milestone in my world... knowing that my little one is growing up so fast.  Now, the Tooth Fairy is feeling the pinch of the economy so she received exactly $1 for that precious little fang :)

- Silly, I know, but I finally found the PERFECT shade of blue nail polish! I'm a sucker for different colors (always have been since the wee elementary school years.)  I don't have a pic of it but think of that bold, deep blue that you see sometimes in the center of a peacock's feather.  Yep, I've got that on my nails right now :)

- The Second Saturday Fest that has been started in my "Better Hometown" is slowly but surely growing!  It's taking baby steps but I am so proud that we kicked it off and we will be going all out in October for Halloween!

- My sister may be moving back to our hometown! Okay, I know I'm getting ahead of myself because I don't believe she has been offered the job yet; however, deep down I would love for her and my brother-in-law to be closer for Wild Child's sake.  My crazy kid adores her "Auntie Cole" - probably the fact that she is a mini-clone of "Auntie Cole"- and for her to have more family around would be an absolute blessing since she only sees her father's side maybe a couple of times during the year.

and in my attempt to outweigh the bad with the good...

- I am drinking a kick-a$$ caramel cappuccino this morning... you know... it's the little things in life :)

Hoping everyone has a positively beautiful day today- and if you too need to get something off your chest... simply do it and feel the pressure dissolve into the ether of the blogosphere!

Restless

It has certainly been a while so I figured it was about time to check in.  I must admit that work is taking up every corner of my mind right now... between working on the acquisition of a historic train depot, the continued work on building up a monthly event in our downtown area, the recent completion of the installation of a bike rack downtown & the completion of a business facade grant, trying to find grant money for my own organization, and also having a major concert coming up- well, my brain is on overload.  I feel pulled in more directions than I ever thought possible- and yet, I couldn't be happier! 

I will be the first to say that I have no right to complain about my job after spending the better part of the last two years unemployed and seriously unsure of what the future may hold.  Actually, I'm still unsure of my future seeing as how this job I love I honestly can't afford to stay in... but that is just one of those irons in the ongoing fire that I am working through.  For now I can say I love what I do- I love the fact that I am able to make such a difference- and I will simply leave it at that.

So, the question of the day is- why do I feel so out of sorts?  When September rolled around I actually felt like I was coming out of some summer stupor; however, I am yet again feeling restless.  I realize that I refer to one too many movies yet, I had that feeling today when I was outside and the wind was blowing hard- well, do you remember in the movie "Chocolat" how the wind told the main character it was time to move on?  I was, oddly enough, getting that same message.

Okay, call me crazy... but I have known for ages now that I am indeed a restless spirit that does not want to settle in one spot too long (until, of course, I make my way to the coast of Maine!)  When I was married and living in another neighboring town, all I could think about was getting out of there- moving.  Well, when we separated I did move, here to the Wild Woods.  A sort of peace came over me yet now that restlessness has returned and every second not spent on work or taking care of my daughter is spent daydreaming about the two of us just setting out on some wild adventure to some new place we could call home.  It becomes this ache in my belly wanting to start over... constantly wanting to start fresh and create an entirely new life.

Oh how I wish I could just be content.  It is just not in my nature.  So, do I follow that old wind's advice- or do I wrestle with that discontent until I finally tame it into submission?  Much like all the madness in my life... only time will tell.