Dreaming of the Railroad

Sunday, July 31, 2011

I've noticed that I get the strangest urge to write in the one o'clock hour (if you don't believe me just look at my first two posts.) Sorry, simply a side note...

Today is the day before one hell of a day, to be perfectly honest.  My over-stuffed mind now has to turn to a meeting that I am planning at work.  It's not just any meeting- it is one that brings together all of the major players in the small town I work in for the purpose of making a game plan for negotiating the acquisition of a railroad depot that was literally the birthplace of the town (and is still owned by the biggie Norfolk Southern.)  I have everyone attending from the mayor all the way to  two individuals who are our leaders in the State's House of Representatives & General Assembly.  To say the least, I've got a few butterflies banging around in my gut.

It amazes me that this time last year I was unemployed and feeling more than disheartened that with every resume I sent out all I received in return was an empty mailbox.  Now I am in a key position in this community to work for great change.  Feeling proud of what I have accomplished is definitely an understatement sense this past January.  And yet... there is tomorrow...

I need this to be a success.  I need this to be that one goal that shoots my credibility over the top as a first-year director. I need to take on that Wonder Woman persona that my sister has always spoken of and yet I never had a great grasp on.  Basically, I need to take to heart the quote that I have hanging up in my office at City Hall... "Fortune favors those who dare!"  Virgil, I couldn't have said it any better!

*Image by artist, Leslie Miller

The Sound of Silence

The sun has set on my last "staycation" day (not counting tomorrow since I actually plan to clean & do a little work.)  I think it's sort of funny to say that I'm actually glad.  To steal from Simon & Garfunkel, the "sound of silence" has been a bit deafening.  Yes, I have sat back and relaxed for the most part; honestly doing nothing of great importance beyond wandering aimlessly around an empty house and filling my time with mind-numbing television or silly games on the computer.  This is exactly what I wanted.  The one factor I never truly figured in is the fact that my day does not feel complete without my daughter. I needed this time but without the sound of her mischievous laughter, or the sound of her little feet running through and filling this home, it just doesn't feel... well... right.

I think it all boils down to my noticing lately that I'm going through slight growing pains with my Wild Child. I never thought I'd be one of those mothers; however, I am feeling the pains of her growing up- feeling like it is happening too fast.  She has always been so independent yet knowing that she will be going to elementary school this year (kindergarten), I just long to spend as much time with her as I can before it is too late and she doesn't have the time for me anymore.  My job's odd hours have kept us somewhat apart this summer and I realize that this weekend is just one weekend closer to her going to school.  Wow, am I going to be one of those moms that ends up tearing up as I drop her off on her first day?  I look back at some of her baby pictures and it feels like it was just yesterday, not over five years ago.

I know this is the inevitable.  I know practically every mother has gone through this at least once in their life.  It just hit me more since she's been gone this weekend. I feel like if I blink my eyes more years will fly by and she will be going on her first date... getting her driver's license... graduating and going off to college.

See what this sound of silence has gotten me? There are no outside stimulants to keep me from going to the land of the overprotective mother while she is away.  Maybe from this I should simply take the old saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder."  When she returns home I will give her the biggest hug and kiss- and the next time she does something that makes me want to pull my hair out, I should simply take a moment to breathe and remember, she won't be with me forever, and I should cherish every single second I have with her as my little girl who still needs her mommy.

My lesson learned from this particular weekend?  Linda Wooten said it best when she said "Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn't know you had, and dealing with fears you didn't know existed."

*Image found at google images.

Wishing On Stars

Saturday, July 30, 2011

I have wished on many a star in my lifetime.  Even at the age of 34 I still look up to the heavens in search of that first star of the evening... hoping, praying, dreaming that that one twinkling light will bring me peace and somehow grant what I ask of it.  Some may call it childish- I simply call it finding my sense of place in this crazy, mad world.

Last night, the first night of a mini-staycation at home while my daughter is at the beach with her grandparents, I sat on my back porch and I found that one star.  My thoughts immediately went to my sister who just lost her job, my thoughts went to my daughter who is battling so many anger issues for too young an age, my thoughts went to my parents who- in their golden years- are fighting illness and the repercussions of too much togetherness as they have both retired in the past year, and finally my thoughts fell on me... still trying to find my right path in this lifetime so that my family may be proud of me and for once I could be proud of myself.

That one little star winked back at me and for a moment my mind was clear.  I stared at it for quite a while and simply let myself go into its beautiful, white light.  For a moment wishing on that one star brought peace. 

I'm not quite sure why I find myself blogging again.  I am, you may say, a serial blogger- I start and stop and keep coming back to try again.  Maybe this is my time finally- maybe this is the blog I have been searching for.  Maybe here, much like wishing on stars, I may discover that sense of place that is always eluding me in the outside world.  My voice may be weak in the crowd; but here... here my voice can speak up, whisper, shout... whatever it needs when it needs. 

So here I begin, on the spiral road- taking the path inward... searching for the road not taken... just finding myself and chronicling the journey as I go along.  Brightest Blessings to me and any who care to join me.

*Image found at icykitty.deviantart.com