Restless

It has certainly been a while so I figured it was about time to check in.  I must admit that work is taking up every corner of my mind right now... between working on the acquisition of a historic train depot, the continued work on building up a monthly event in our downtown area, the recent completion of the installation of a bike rack downtown & the completion of a business facade grant, trying to find grant money for my own organization, and also having a major concert coming up- well, my brain is on overload.  I feel pulled in more directions than I ever thought possible- and yet, I couldn't be happier! 

I will be the first to say that I have no right to complain about my job after spending the better part of the last two years unemployed and seriously unsure of what the future may hold.  Actually, I'm still unsure of my future seeing as how this job I love I honestly can't afford to stay in... but that is just one of those irons in the ongoing fire that I am working through.  For now I can say I love what I do- I love the fact that I am able to make such a difference- and I will simply leave it at that.

So, the question of the day is- why do I feel so out of sorts?  When September rolled around I actually felt like I was coming out of some summer stupor; however, I am yet again feeling restless.  I realize that I refer to one too many movies yet, I had that feeling today when I was outside and the wind was blowing hard- well, do you remember in the movie "Chocolat" how the wind told the main character it was time to move on?  I was, oddly enough, getting that same message.

Okay, call me crazy... but I have known for ages now that I am indeed a restless spirit that does not want to settle in one spot too long (until, of course, I make my way to the coast of Maine!)  When I was married and living in another neighboring town, all I could think about was getting out of there- moving.  Well, when we separated I did move, here to the Wild Woods.  A sort of peace came over me yet now that restlessness has returned and every second not spent on work or taking care of my daughter is spent daydreaming about the two of us just setting out on some wild adventure to some new place we could call home.  It becomes this ache in my belly wanting to start over... constantly wanting to start fresh and create an entirely new life.

Oh how I wish I could just be content.  It is just not in my nature.  So, do I follow that old wind's advice- or do I wrestle with that discontent until I finally tame it into submission?  Much like all the madness in my life... only time will tell.

Autumn Musings on a Day Off

I have been wound up so tight lately that I decided to take the day off- a mental health day, so to speak.  True, I cannot completely let go and I find myself checking my work email more often than not; however, I am not going to let it consume my every thought like it has over the past several weeks.  Sometimes you just have to let go for a little while to come back stronger.  That's my plan, at least!

So, what does a girl do to relax?  Me- I'm simply enjoying the quiet.  I sat outside on my back deck and let the cool breeze float by me.  It was one of those mornings where you can almost smell Fall in the air.  Oh, how I long for the change of seasons... to get that crisp, woodsy smell makes my heart skip a beat and know that I don't have to wait too much longer for my favorite time of year!

I am longing for pumpkin patches, warm vegetable soup simmering and the taste of hot apple cider dancing on my tongue... I long for those beautiful jewel-toned colors to pop up on all of the trees.  I think to the Robert Frost line "Nature's first green is gold" and I desperately wish to see that gold all around me.... I long for the autumn chill to fill the air- and actually stay for more than one day.   I'm simply a sucker for this season that will be taunting us for another month... but it will be here soon.  That is a promise I know it will keep.
 
Autumn also brings with it the desire to pull out books of the macabre that are aching to be read- books that fill you with thoughts of ghosts, goblins, and all sorts of things that go bump in the night.  Why not, right? This is indeed the season of my beloved Halloween & Samhain!  Without question one of my favorite authors, Edgar Allan Poe, was meant for a season such as this.  Whether reading the words he wrote or simply seeing them played out by the likes of Vincent Price, his presence is required to make the Fall complete.  As I continue my quest for a relaxing day, I will leave you with a version of Poe's "The Raven" that I discovered and have fallen madly in love with over the past couple of years.  Maybe this too will get you in the mood to bring a little of Autumn's wicked magic into your own life!

*Image found at http://www.uimages.org/autumn-scenery/

Backbone Growing Again!

Time to head into a new workweek... not that I had much time off from the last one due to an (almost) all day event on Saturday.  I can feel myself slowly decompressing and yet there is tomorrow... it basically consists of big meeting/ monthly report to state/ finish grant application that is due/ bigger meeting.  After that I think decompression will truly commence and lead me to what I am *crossing my fingers* will be a day off on Wednesday. Oh, one can dream!

I'll admit to having quite a few ups and downs this past week... it is time to (okay I really can't use the Goddess Brighid metaphor on this one so, sorry Nicole, I'm stealing your alter ego for a moment) it's simply time to pull up my Wonder Woman big girl panties and take a stand where stands are needed.  There are a few people out there who probably think I could be a push-over in my line of work... I hate to tell them they are more than mistaken.  I Am Woman! Hear Me Roar!

In honor of my goal of standing up for some much needed principles in the upcoming weeks, I am seeking a little musical motivation - a little kick-a$$ anthem so to speak.  I'm including this one possibility that has been stuck in my head lately; however, I am more than willing to take suggestions! Enjoy!

Brick Walls Are My Friend

While constantly bashing my head against one brick wall after another I do believe I have been left in a state of brain-damaged euphoria today.  Those self righteous brick walls are the one constant in my life and so I think I've made friends with them.  I expect them- they need me- thus, we are in a copacetic relationship that has lasted longer than most relationships in my life. 

My brick walls are easy enough to define - the periodic bouts of my Wild Child taking her nose-dive off the deep end of normalcy, my pangs of guilt at not being the Super Mommy that obviously the Super Nanny thinks everyone could be, my reoccurring issues of self doubt with the way my career or lack thereof is heading... oh,  I could go on and on.
Yeah, I know- it was about time for a little whine to go with the extra sentimental cheese I infused into a lot of my posts.  But seriously- I just want one day where I don't feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle (or hitting my head against that proverbial brick wall) in one or both major aspects of my life- work or home.

Oy Vey.  It's been a day.  I'm just going to go to sleep now and work on a fresh perspective for tomorrow.  Time to channel a little Scarlett by saying that "after all- tomorrow is another day!"  And, if all else fails, I'm sure I'll have some good quality time with my old friend, the brick wall, again... he's never too far away from me!

The Wonder Woman Effect

I think I am the embodiment of "too many irons in the fire" right now.  It's exciting work that I do- but I will be the first to say it is mentally exhausting sometimes trying to keep up with a million ideas rushing through my own head for what I would like to see accomplished in both my personal and professional lives. Some days I am on fire- in a good way- and other days I honestly wake up wondering if I am up for the job.  Self doubt has always been one of my best friends in the emotional demon category of life.  If you are too sure of yourself you come off cocky and unrelatable, and you certainly set yourself up for a great fall.  On the other hand, if you are constantly meek and not putting forth your best foot, you are basically considered a joke as well.  I'm just looking for a happy medium... I am still looking for my personal Wonder Woman.  Not too much to ask, is it?

So, this fire that is currently burning (you know the one with the too many irons) is giving me a headache.  Since I've been told I need to find my own superhero sort of alter-ego to help me through these times- Wonder Woman has been claimed by my sister, I am going with someone I feel quite comfortable with- the Goddess Brighid (I decided to forgo the superhero persona.)  No, I am not channeling a goddess and it really doesn't seem right to use such phrases as pulling up your Brighid underoos and going for it (yep- that seriously only works for the comic-book set!)  I just think there are some qualities that I can focus on as she is the goddess of the hearth, poetry, and smithcraft.  How perfect! These are the three aspects of my own life that I try to keep in balance: my home life with my daughter, my passion for writing, and what better analogy for too many irons in the fire of my work life than the symbolism of a forge!

Well, here goes- reaching in deep to find that inner-goddess in me... finding strength to manage the consistently crazy aspects of my life and simply finding peace in all of the challenges that come my way in work or otherwise... and if all else fails I don't think my sister will mind if I have to borrow the Golden Lasso every now and again!

*Image found at elsaelsa.com

Deflated Balloon

Oh goodness, I'm having a day!  I am happy to say that my meeting with all the head honchos went remarkably well.  As I like to put it - I may be quiet but I can be one pushy lady when it comes to getting things moving!  Now, however, I have hit the "deflated balloon" status- stress and adrenaline blew me up and at the three o'clock hour all I can think about is curling up in bed and decompressing just a wee bit more.  Energy Level: 0.  Creative Ideas Flowing: None. Time left in this day: Too long to contemplate seeing as how I have to present a report to City Council this evening. Aye yi yi!

On top of it all, I'm seriously kicking myself for getting sucked into watching "The Next Food Network Star" last night at midnight.  I knew I had to get up early- and yet I was drawn in and remained stuck to the television until way past one.  Yes, I am most certainly paying for it now.  I will also probably pay for it when I do finally get home tonight and the Wild Child will be waiting up to see me and all my thoughts will be regarding the cushiness of my bed.  I'm starting to think I may need to invest in a pillow and an alarm clock for my office- when I'm still here "after office hours" and I just need a catnap I'll curl up under my giant desk, turn the lights off, and put the "Out of Office" sign on the door, lol!  Yes, these are the dreams of the sleep-deprived and balloon-deflated girl getting a little loopy in her office :)

My only other option, I suppose, would be to borrow my mother's mini fridge to put in here and stock it with giant Red Bulls.  Oh, the possibilities are endless...

*Image found at flickr.com

Dreaming of the Railroad

I've noticed that I get the strangest urge to write in the one o'clock hour (if you don't believe me just look at my first two posts.) Sorry, simply a side note...

Today is the day before one hell of a day, to be perfectly honest.  My over-stuffed mind now has to turn to a meeting that I am planning at work.  It's not just any meeting- it is one that brings together all of the major players in the small town I work in for the purpose of making a game plan for negotiating the acquisition of a railroad depot that was literally the birthplace of the town (and is still owned by the biggie Norfolk Southern.)  I have everyone attending from the mayor all the way to  two individuals who are our leaders in the State's House of Representatives & General Assembly.  To say the least, I've got a few butterflies banging around in my gut.

It amazes me that this time last year I was unemployed and feeling more than disheartened that with every resume I sent out all I received in return was an empty mailbox.  Now I am in a key position in this community to work for great change.  Feeling proud of what I have accomplished is definitely an understatement sense this past January.  And yet... there is tomorrow...

I need this to be a success.  I need this to be that one goal that shoots my credibility over the top as a first-year director. I need to take on that Wonder Woman persona that my sister has always spoken of and yet I never had a great grasp on.  Basically, I need to take to heart the quote that I have hanging up in my office at City Hall... "Fortune favors those who dare!"  Virgil, I couldn't have said it any better!


*Image by artist, Leslie Miller