For My Munchkin

I read today a letter reposted by a friend on facebook- it was titled "Letter to My Daughter."  To say the least it touched me; the eloquence of it all made me think of my own daughter - my munchkin, before she even had a name.  This post is for her so that one day, when she is older, she may read it and understand how I felt at this very moment.

Dear Autumn Gwendolyn,

I am searching for the right words to say as I look at a picture of you on my desk- it is one taken when you were just turning four.  Your bright blue shirt peeks out from behind your long, golden hair and you are wearing a black cowboy hat that, in most cases, I would shake my head at- but on you, it is beautiful. You are the most beautiful human being to me and I feel at awe that I played my part in creating you. 

You have such a light about you - your eyes smile not with the innocence of youth but more with a mischievous twinkle that makes me feel like you have lived more years than I could possibly imagine.  You are an old soul and that I knew from the first moment I set my own eyes upon you.  I know that within your short life you have been through more than a lot of people... your family went down separate paths and yet you must realize that those paths still lead back to you and are bound with everlasting love.  I also hope you realize that my own path is tied to you heart and soul.  As we like to say, you are my "X"... X marks the spot and that spot lies within you- my treasure... my heart. 

In less than a week you will be starting your own adventure- that of entering kindergarten.  I want to dig deep and give you all of the words of wisdom and advice I could possibly muster:

~ Know that you are beautiful inside and out.  Every person ever created is beautiful in their own, unique way... and remember as the Irish saying goes "a face without freckles is like a night sky without stars..."

~ You can be anything you want to be... do not limit yourself to just one thing- but when you do find that something that makes your heart sing, follow it with every ounce of passion inside of you despite what others may say.

~ Mistakes happen.  Learn from them.  Grow from them.  Never regret them.  Live life with no regrets!

~ Love does not know skin color or gender.  Follow your heart wherever it will lead you.

~ There are both good qualities and bad qualities to organized religions.  The path I teach you does not have to be the end to your spiritual education. Once again- your heart will be your most honest guide.

~... and finally, as the saying goes "Dance As though no one is watching you. Love as though you have never been hurt before. Sing as though no one can hear you. Live as though heaven is here on earth!"

My dearest munchkin, you are a blessing.  You are my proudest accomplishment.  We may not always get along as you grow older; but, know that I will always be by your side- with a hand to hold- whenever and wherever you may need me.

With all my love,

Mommy

The Sound of Silence

The sun has set on my last "staycation" day (not counting tomorrow since I actually plan to clean & do a little work.)  I think it's sort of funny to say that I'm actually glad.  To steal from Simon & Garfunkel, the "sound of silence" has been a bit deafening.  Yes, I have sat back and relaxed for the most part; honestly doing nothing of great importance beyond wandering aimlessly around an empty house and filling my time with mind-numbing television or silly games on the computer.  This is exactly what I wanted.  The one factor I never truly figured in is the fact that my day does not feel complete without my daughter. I needed this time but without the sound of her mischievous laughter, or the sound of her little feet running through and filling this home, it just doesn't feel... well... right.

I think it all boils down to my noticing lately that I'm going through slight growing pains with my Wild Child. I never thought I'd be one of those mothers; however, I am feeling the pains of her growing up- feeling like it is happening too fast.  She has always been so independent yet knowing that she will be going to elementary school this year (kindergarten), I just long to spend as much time with her as I can before it is too late and she doesn't have the time for me anymore.  My job's odd hours have kept us somewhat apart this summer and I realize that this weekend is just one weekend closer to her going to school.  Wow, am I going to be one of those moms that ends up tearing up as I drop her off on her first day?  I look back at some of her baby pictures and it feels like it was just yesterday, not over five years ago.

I know this is the inevitable.  I know practically every mother has gone through this at least once in their life.  It just hit me more since she's been gone this weekend. I feel like if I blink my eyes more years will fly by and she will be going on her first date... getting her driver's license... graduating and going off to college.

See what this sound of silence has gotten me? There are no outside stimulants to keep me from going to the land of the overprotective mother while she is away.  Maybe from this I should simply take the old saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder."  When she returns home I will give her the biggest hug and kiss- and the next time she does something that makes me want to pull my hair out, I should simply take a moment to breathe and remember, she won't be with me forever, and I should cherish every single second I have with her as my little girl who still needs her mommy.

My lesson learned from this particular weekend?  Linda Wooten said it best when she said "Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn't know you had, and dealing with fears you didn't know existed."


*Image found at google images.

Wishing On Stars

I have wished on many a star in my lifetime.  Even at the age of 34 I still look up to the heavens in search of that first star of the evening... hoping, praying, dreaming that that one twinkling light will bring me peace and somehow grant what I ask of it.  Some may call it childish- I simply call it finding my sense of place in this crazy, mad world.

Last night, the first night of a mini-staycation at home while my daughter is at the beach with her grandparents, I sat on my back porch and I found that one star.  My thoughts immediately went to my sister who just lost her job, my thoughts went to my daughter who is battling so many anger issues for too young an age, my thoughts went to my parents who- in their golden years- are fighting illness and the repercussions of too much togetherness as they have both retired in the past year, and finally my thoughts fell on me... still trying to find my right path in this lifetime so that my family may be proud of me and for once I could be proud of myself.

That one little star winked back at me and for a moment my mind was clear.  I stared at it for quite a while and simply let myself go into its beautiful, white light.  For a moment wishing on that one star brought peace. 

I'm not quite sure why I find myself blogging again.  I am, you may say, a serial blogger- I start and stop and keep coming back to try again.  Maybe this is my time finally- maybe this is the blog I have been searching for.  Maybe here, much like wishing on stars, I may discover that sense of place that is always eluding me in the outside world.  My voice may be weak in the crowd; but here... here my voice can speak up, whisper, shout... whatever it needs when it needs. 

So here I begin, on the spiral road- taking the path inward... searching for the road not taken... just finding myself and chronicling the journey as I go along.  Brightest Blessings to me and any who care to join me.

*Image found at icykitty.deviantart.com